Too Much Pain
by Kylie Anderson
Summary: When I'm going to fall, will you catch me? On a rooftop, when a CSI is about to take a fall, there will be one person who can save her. NS


Too Much Pain

My hands are flying gracefully over the keyboard. My heart is spilling out in a few pages. My entire life is finally being put into words. Pain. Hate. Love. Fear. Happiness. Sadness.

I heard someone behind me, but I ignored the sounds. "Sara," A voice called softly behind me.

I closed the document. I turned around. It was Nick. "Yeah?" I asked.

"I was reading that over your shoulder." Nick said cautiously.

He watched me. He was trying to read my reaction. I became Grissom in that one moment. I turned emotionless. "Oh?" I questioned.

"You can write really well." Nick commented.

"Thanks," I said.

Nick just stood staring at me unsure of what to say. I sat also unsure of what to say. I got up and gathered my laptop. "I've got to go home." I said walking past Nick.

When I arrived home, I found myself sobbing. Everything hurt. There was just too much pain. I was angry. Couldn't Nick see I liked Grissom? Maybe Grissom would never like me, but I had the right to dream. I found myself in front of the refrigerator looking for a can of beer.

I found one and drank it. Before I knew it, I went through an entire six pack. I don't remember much from after that. I passed out drunk in the kitchen looking for another can of beer.

The next morning, I had a terrible hangover. It wasn't the worst I've ever had, but it was bad. I went to work looking pale. "Are you sick Sara?" Grissom asked concerned.

"No," I answered quickly.

Grissom looked at me as if he could see right through me. Maybe he could see through my carefully made mask which is now as fragile as porcelain. Each day I fear my mask will shatter.

I took a break halfway into the shift. I sat down at my laptop. I opened my e-mail and made a new e-mail. I sighed. The pain was too much and finally, I was going to do something about it.

I found myself atop the CSI building. I was the edge. I was so close to going over the edge. What bliss would I feel when I finally let go of the pain? I would be at last free of everything! I would be able to fly!

But instead of feeling happy, I began to cry. I couldn't stop crying. I just wanted to jump of the building, but with the tears in my eyes it was impossible to see where the edge was.

I heard someone shout my name. "Sara! Sara! Sara!" The voice called frantically.

I knew that voice. It was Nick again. "What?" I called back angrily.

Nick was delaying me and I didn't like it. "I got your e-mail." Nick said gently. "Let me read it to you."

_Dear Nick, Grissom, Catherine, Warrick, Greg and Brass, _

_I've had plenty of time to think about everything that has happened to me since the day I was born. My life truthfully hasn't been all that wonderful until I came to Las Vegas. My mother killed my father. I became an alcoholic._

_Until I met Greg I didn't learn that life could be as good as you wanted it to. Until I met Warrick I didn't know that sometimes you have to fight for what is right. Until I met Grissom I didn't know that the greatest mystery in life is human nature. Until I met Catherine I didn't learn that after a life of foolishness, you can find pride. Until I met Nick, I didn't know how kind and resilient a person could be. Until I met Brass I didn't know how snappy people are, but they change. _

_I am still an alcoholic. I haven't changed a bit. I am honored to have known all of you for so long. I can't escape my past. My father used to say that life lives as long as you remember. I remember, but I don't want to! _

_The pain is too much. I can't take it any longer. This is the reason why I'm going to kill myself. I'm going to jump off the rooftop of the CSI building because CSI has been my home. All of you have been my family. Please don't attempt to stop me. The pain is too much. _

_Thank you for all of your kindness. I won't ever forget you. _

_Sara _

I had my arms spread out like an eagle ready to soar. "Stop!" I yelled at him.

"Sara, please don't do this. You need to make life as good as you want it to. You need to fight for what's right. You need to solve the mystery of human nature. You need to find a life of pride after foolish mistakes. You need to be resilient. You have changed. Please, don't do this." Nick said.

I was crying harder now. "No…the pain is too much." I said.

"We can fix it. We can fix the pain. Please Sara!" Nick said.

"You can't." I said looking down.

I noticed Nick was crying now too. "God Sara let me tell you this. You can jump after you hear this, but not before. When I first met you I thought you were the most beautiful person to ever walk this earth. You were smart and you were very kind. Sara, there were times when I wanted to kill myself. Everyone feels like they want to kill themselves sometimes, but I sat down and I thought. I thought about everything that happened to me. I was buried alive, I was almost killed on several occasions and things weren't going well. But then I thought about the good things. I thought about you Sara and I automatically dismissed the thought of suicide any further. You are my reason for bearing the pain. You say the pain is too much, but have you ever talked about it? With someone's help, you can bear the pain. You don't have to be alone any more." Nick said crying. "Please don't jump."

I shook my head. "I have to. You have to let me go Nick. I've learned to let you and you need to let me go." I said.

I closed my eyes. This was it. I took a deep breath and stepped closer to the edge. I opened my eyes. Looking down, I felt my stomach drop. "Nick! Nick!" I cried frantically. "I don't want to fall!"

"You don't have to." Nick said.

I felt his strong hands helping me down. I collapsed on to him. I began to cry and cry. I couldn't stop. Nick was crying too. "Don't ever do that again." Nick said crying. "I thought I lost you."

For the first time, I noticed Grissom, Warrick, Catherine, Brass and Greg were watching. Nick helped me up. "Sara, I think you need help." Grissom said shortly.

I nodded. "I know." I said sobbing.

Catherine walked over to my side and even though we hadn't been close, she helped me inside. I had to talk to the physiatrist at once. I also had to have another woman who was a guidance counselor live with me at my house just to make sure I didn't kill myself. I had three weeks off of work.

When I returned, I saw Nick in the locker room alone. "Did you mean everything you said on the roof?" I asked shortly even before saying hello.

Nick nodded. "Of course," Nick answered without pausing.

I looked at him. "When I'm going to fall, will you catch me?" I asked.

"Yes," Nick answered.

I smiled at him. In that moment, I knew the pain was gone. It wasn't too much to bear any more.


End file.
